The Arbitrator of Universal Fairness and Balance

The Arbitrator of Universal Fairness and Balance says "Hi! You have been selected for our weekly survey of fairness in balance produced by our Universal Self. 

Press "1", IF you feel Fairly treated. 

Press "2", IF you feel Fairly in Balance. 

Press "3", IF you feel in Balance. 

Press "4", IF circumstances have somehow aquired a more murky hue. 

Press "5", IF by "Balance" you mean "Eternally Static". 

Press "6", IF nothing, and this means NOTHING, makes sense anymore. 

Press "7", IF liability for your misfortunes should immediately be transferred to our Universal Self for injection. 

Press "8", IF THIS is your Final Warning.

Press "9", IF you wish to hear this Announcement Repeated. This time Without interference!