Litterært nulpunkt i hovedstolen

Ingen Knausgaard hér. Hovedstolen får være en synops i dag.

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Mit kæresteforhold er gået i stykker over noget tid. Godt og vel cirka siden det begyndte for 2 år siden. Det, man kalder “omstændigheder”. Vi er begge stædige.

Jeg har været meget tilbøjelig til at bebrejde hende for at være for pushy, ikke give mig rum nok, mase sig på med psykologiske forklaringer og misplaceret omsorg. Men kommer ofte i tvivl om jeg har ret i mine vurderinger – om det blot handler om, at jeg ikke kan gøre mine behov forståelige. Jeg kan ikke længere klart mærke, hvad jeg føler. Det er som at befinde mig inde i en boble og alle mine følelser føles af en avatar uden for boblen, som kun af og til har adgang til at aflevere sine indtryk til mig.

For noget tid siden fik jeg en idé, som jeg har skubbet foran mig, men nu skal det være: Jeg er gået i gang med at nedskrive alle vore sms’er  baglæns, tilbage mod forholdets undfangelse, begyndende med hendes del af korrespondencen.

Det er deprimerende. Hér er en kvinde, som elsker mig så meget, at hun vil gøre, hvad hun formår for at få mig til at se, at det er mit humør, som er ansvarlig for en stor del af mine negative følelser i forhold til hende og mit behov for at isolere mig. Hun bliver ved med at vende tilbage til fuseren – mig – for at se, om ikke der er noget at gøre. Hvilket er lige præcis dét, jeg har vendt mig imod. At jeg ikke kunne få lov at være i fred til at finde ud af, hvem pokker jeg er. Og hvad jeg behøver. Og hvad jeg vil være med til. For mig selv og i fred!

Jeg er den, der bakker – den undvigende – og hun er den, der skubber – den påtrængende. Mønsteret er klart – men fundamentet er interessen for den anden. Jeg kan dog ikke udholde at føle mig presset, når mit behov er at finde ud af noget om mig selv, og hun kan ikke udholde, at hun ikke kan gøre noget for at frelse sin mulighed for et forhold. Det er, som facebook beskriver det, kompliceret.

At indskrive sms’er i hånden, fordi min telefon er så gammel, at den ikke kan tømmes vha. et program, gør dog et eller andet ved mit hjerte. Vægten falder til hendes fordel i det her sisyfosarbejde på 3500 sms’er. Hun elsker og hun er positiv og forsøger at opretholde sit gode humør og ikke tage mine selvbeskyttende skub-væk personligt, og igennem alle sine sms’er ser hun ud til at være en helt almindelig kvinde med stærke følelsesmæssige ressourcer, der ikke tager et nej for et nej. Ikke præcis som jeg selv er kommet frem til, at hun er – gennem så længe at have følt, at jeg skulle forsvare mig mod hende.

Lige om straks går jeg i gang med at indtaste min andel af sms-samtalen. Jeg glæder mig ikke til det. Reelt sagt frygter jeg, hvad jeg finder. Og når jeg er færdig med dét, er det mail-tid. Kronologiske mails fra mig og fra hende, som de krydser og blander sig. Et forfærdeligt arbejde at se sig selv i øjnene på dén måde, men det skal ikke andet end at hjælpe mig med at blive mig selv: Et menneske, som ikke konstant føler behov for at forsvare mig. Som ikke går rundt og er spændt i maven hele tiden. Som kan udholde mere end et par timer i andre menneskers nærvær, selvom meget presser sig på, som jeg ikke tør dele med nogen anden end min terapeut.

Mobning, oversethed, barndomsisolation, voksensvigt, utryghed… hvordan jeg er blevet, som jeg er i dag, er ikke interessant. Hvordan jeg derimod håndterer mine følelser, som de kommer op, er det eneste relevante. Det eneste væsentlige. Jeg, som elsker mennesker, er ved at blive alene – fordi jeg har erkendt, at jeg ikke har grund til tillid til nogen eller noget, end ikke mig selv. Og hvad er der så?

(fortsættelse følger måske…)

Swans dont swim under water

Nighttime bitch-slap.

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• this nothing matters feeling is quite interesting.

• no its actually quite horrible.

• its more like empty.

• im empty

• no one to hear my swan song.

• swans dont sing

• also swans dont swim under water so using the metaphor going down in combination with swans even if they are cute and cuddly and are rumored to be able to break your arm with their beak is quite redundant.

• so how make my qualms heard?

• no actually how get rid of the pain of no pain due to too much pain assuming there is such a thing as emotional or mental pain not stemming from damage to the physical body!?

• maybe the pain is not real.

• is this some kind of buddha trip thing?

• maybe the pain is a stage or a state.

• could maybe be a stop-over in a naturally occurring process or a condition entered into which can then naturally be gotten out of

• but a process to where and why so unpleasant and how get out of this?

• or rather how get out of where the F I am?

• if it actually is something Im in and not a mental thing than will only go away through years of hard rain with a therapist

• I wonder why Im not smiling while Im saying this

• maybe I really am very very depressed

• maybe I really cannot feel anything

• maybe this is a fugue state whatever that is but it does sound good dont you think?

• I really ate myself and would have learned to speak french if it wasnt for the language

• I dont know how to ove myself even if I know there is no missing L in french anymore or maybe there never was

• could it be that I am just very very hurt or that being alone too long accumulates and changes the brain like any other change to the body due to over-intake of for example heavy metals such as mercury?

• so I am poisoned by being alone?

• but I have been alone for a reason

• but I have never been alone as there have been many many girlfriends and friends or at least acquaintances

• but maybe I have been alone as being alone is really a mental state like everything else not necessarily that I want to go back into existentialism or zen buddhism again but feeling alone means not being able to see where I am joined with the universe and the people in it

• shouldnt that be MY universe as everything is MY perception?

• but if MY universe is untranscendable meaning I have only the chemistry of my mind to track all changes and the chemistry of my mind is shaped by feeling distant to everyone then I cannot change unless my brain chemistry changes

• there is a price to pay for this

• there is a price to pay for this

• I am dying of loneliness

• I am not willing to give in to conformity

• but I am conform and comfortable and safe in my cocoon of money and not having to work

• but I would like to work and play and be challenged but there is no one to really take up problems with as I am alone and do not trust people

• I do not trust myself is what

• but since trust is such a high price to pay the alternative is to die for real

• die of loneliness

• die of sorrow and grief

• die of uselessness and pointlessnes and lack of focus

• life sucks

• life really really sucks

• there is only GOOD brain chemistry of any importance that is

• functionally life extending POSITIVE brain chemistry

• brain chemistry to write home about

• that is all there is

• and how to achieve that?

• how to achieve that beautiful mind so longed for when all there is in sight is old thoughts?

• thought thoughts.

• used up thoughts with no pleasant surprises and all hard work to make them real or not real.

• this is where this ends.

• at the beginning of furthered depression brought on by time passing with nothing of value taking place or being thought of and no hinges to any known or welcome reality flapping and  no humanity showing its face and no idealist young person jumping up to take the weight and pain and loneliness that is killing me

• and would I want that?

• would I really want to have people try and help me with something they can not understand?

• there is a hole in the sky and that hole is in you mind and the space seeping through and the air escaping is in your mind and the suffocation of the whole of the planet and all of the living creatures on the surface is in your mind and you are not on that surface because your are not in your mind

• digg it?

• you are in another place and your mind is in that place too

• and you will never know this place as you can know the place in your mind

• and no one will ever know you as they know that place in their minds

• your existence is not knowable

• science tries but science only sees what can be seen with human consciousness and human minds and human senses.

• your personal reality is not quantifiable as nothing repeats itself

• the loneliness that I feel that anyone feels is not quantifiable.

• it is there or it is not and as such a product of brain chemistry

• my brain your brain is lonely

• or in love or horny or scared or curious or generous or just plain weird as compared to other brains state of mind

• your brain is it

• my brain is it

• try telling that to a young person who wishes to assist with my loneliness and my lack of self appreciation

• that it the catch.

• that no human will survive in the positive sense of the word without appreciating its self

• and what is this?

• the self?

• the uniqueness of being is what the self is

• the language of old times and ancient experience tells us so

• the word means that which is very much it self

• also comparable to rare and solo

• so how does one go about finding and discovering in which way one is unique?

• by trying out all that sounds interesting

• life will deal the un-interesting trying and unpleasant cards for one to play without asking first and that is the hard part

• finding one’s unique self therefore consists of two things

• have fun

• deal with that which is not fun providing it is necessary

• and deciding the two is what it is all about

• but that does not stop me feeling lonely and scared of dying alone or finding the need to end it all due to lack of recognition and appreciation of my self

• so I must appreciate what there is to appreciate in me

• warm

• thinking

• well thats it really all else is flawed or amateurish

• but an appreciation of uniqueness really means how I stand out from others

• an evaluation of the people of the world or just the people that I know or have knowledge of

• I know that success means working really really hard to achieve something inside the reality where having this particular success matters

• making money is a reality in itself but having success professionally or with love or with assistance to others is success among peers.

• success among peers demand peers.

• I have no peers or rather I am no peer.

• I dont have a profession.

• I am a dabbler and an con man.

• and that is why I am lonely

• I cannot appreciate what they find pleasant and good and non-trivial or interesting and existing or stimulating as all of are their experiences

• I have nothing that is not defined by them and I cannot let them in

• they will crush and defile me with derision

• they will project their fears onto me

• they will love only what they need and reject the rest

• there is no real human love eternal

• there is only the automatic and ever present love of attraction that everyone has to work to maintain in their version of the ever changing universe where attraction is never cohesion but attraction maintained through awareness of same

• for the feeble minded me

• again

• human love is attraction maintained

• such insightful night at the bottom of the pits

• where ever that is

• but is sure feels horrible

• is it necessary?

• I have no idea but living until tomorrow where hopefully something has changed in my brain makes good sense so I guess sticking with it beats eating the exhaust on my old VW.

• but here sure isnt much to care about right now.

• except this feeling of being apart from all.

• rejecting all.

• is must be some kind of love keeping me tied to the image of having people to care about me whom I care about.

• or just playmates and they all got old and no fun

• and my heart is young

• my feelings

• and my mind is in the future

• and my girlfriend is in her bed in her house missing me and I dont care.

• not enough to go there or call her or text her or in any way let her know I acknowledge her existence.

• paradoxically?

• or just the sum of all things?

• this is it

• leaving her to find someone else who understands my loneliness is madness

• leaving her to be alone is madness

• staying with her to feel alone part of the time and full of self loathing over not being able to appreciate a uniqueness that at least she appreciates is absurd

• so I want madness madness or absurdity?

• I want to lose my self loathing my low self esteem my lack of understanding

• I want to lose my lack of understanding of what makes me special

• I want know why I am special what is my uniqueness and in all positive thoughts spend the rest of my days finding just that.

• take that down Buddhism and Zen Buddhism take that down blow it up do something with it to make me feel small and insignificant!

• no you cant can you?

• no you cant for I claim not it is there

• I know it is a feeling and that feelings change

• the future does not exist for real and yes I am unique as every part of the universe is unique and it is okay not to know and understand

• and I dont know and I dont understand so I am okay

• I am okay

• my brain chemistry is a bit flawed but I am okay

• depression occurs.

• depression is brain chemistry.

• brain chemistry can be altered.

• but

• I have nothing to write about if I am happy

• happy normal happy

• ecstatic in love delusional delirious angry sad but not happy normal happy that is my brain not working

• that is lack of friction and teflon only works on pans

• everywhere else it is death

• you hang on to life right so you cant have teflon in your life!

• I hang!

• I cant!

• so I need friction!

• language is a pile of shit when you think of it

• it only works if you know what is in it

• and when you know whats in it you have to use it correctly to be understood

• and if you put it to other use you are accused of not wanting to communicate

• unless some poet wannabe critic takes you to heart

• I need friction!

• everyone else need an end to conflict!

• but I need friction be it conflict or imperfection I need friction!

• so I am wrong.

• my use of language is imperfect!

• I cry I laugh at the happy coincidence of being my own friction when everything else is nothing or impossible

• but who needs Buddhismn when psychology will point out that both nothing and impossible are points of friction in any mind

• that should be enough to sink my teeth in

• I have nothing and the impossible as playmates in the real world as I perceive it

• I have a lot then

• no need to be bored except that is not the problem

• the problem is lack of playmates

• that I trust no one to not hurt me

• but here is the same as with love

• trust and the connection that is trust needs to be maintained and what did I write yesterday?

• ”something needs to have happened and then I can contact people”

• calm chit-chat smalltalk is for calm people with order to their lives

• the brain wants a fix

• no small fixes to fix a life ruled by adrenalin and dopamine

• the brain wants distance to create security and heavy updates

• proximity and regularity creates no fix and no security

• in proximity is only disturbance and noise to kill productive thoughts

• in proximity is recognition and recognition creates assumptions

• assumptions which are wrong or falsely place responsibility where none is desired

• humor is gone

• humor is sleeping

• humor is drowning in shit smoking cigars at every break

• at least a chance to smoke again and not care

• bitchslap-my-self humor is awake

• go to sleep bitchslap!

__
the amazing photo is shot and manipulated by photographer Zena Holloway